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Aquarius!
There's travel in your future when your toungue freezes to the back of a speeding bus
Fill that void in your pathetic life by playing whack-a-mole 17 hours a day

Pisces!
Try to avoid any Virgos or Leos with the Ebola virus
You are the true lord of the dance no matter what those idiots at work say

Aries!
The look on your face will be priceless when they find that 40 pound watermelon in your colon
Trade toothbrushes with an albino dwarf and give a hickey to Merryl Streep

Taurus!
You will never find true happiness-what ya gonna do? Cry about it?
The stars predict tomorrow you'll wake up, do a bunch of stuff and then go back to sleep

That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today

Gemini!
Your birthday party will be ruined once again by your explosive flatulence
Your love life will run into trouble when your fiance hurls a javelin through your chest

Cancer!
The position of Jupiter says that you should spend the rest of the week face down in the mud
Try not to shove a roll of duct tape up your nose while taking your drivers test

Leo!
Now is not a good time to photocopy your butt and staple it to your boss' face (oh no)
Eat a bucket of tuna flavoured pudding and wash it down with a gallon of strawberry quik

Virgo!
All Virgos are extremely friendly and intelligent-except for you
Expect a big surprise today when you wind up with your head impaled upon a stick

That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today

Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep siginificance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you but let me give you my assurance that forcasts and predictions are all based on solid scientific documented evidence so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realise that every single one of there is absolutely true-where was I?

Libra!
A big promotion is just around the corner for someone much more talented than you
Laughter is the very best medicine...remember that when your appendix bursts next week

Scorpio!
Get ready for an unexpected trip when you fall screaming from an open window
Worka a little bit harder on improving your low self esteem...you stupid freak

Sagittarius!
All your friends are laughing behind your back.....kill them
Take down all those naked pictures of Earnest Borgnine you've got haning in your den

Capricorn!
The stars say that your an exciting and wonderful person but you know they're lying
If I were you I'd lock my doors and windows and never never never never never leave my house again

That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today

That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today